Ask The Caregiving Coach- October Edition

ASK THE CAREGIVING COACH

September 27, 2010

I received several responses to the topic “Asking for Help”.  The issue continues to be at the top of any caregiver’s issues.  Here are three responses/questions that I thought demonstrated what is on your collective minds.

 Question:  I could really relate to Lorna who was frustrated because medication was forgotten in her absence.  Do you think a big chart listing medication times is a good idea?  Tisha 

Caregiver Coach:  Absolutely a terrific idea.  I would add that in addition to a large chart that color and pictures be added for extra emphasis and clear communication.  When colors and pictures are added to words, the retention of a communication/message more than doubles. 

Question:  I answered your poll on “Why is Asking For Help So Difficult” and was surprised that I will more often ask for friend’s help rather than family.  Why is that? Bertie 

Caregiver Coach:  Go back and look at what tasks/issues you more often ask for a friend’s help.  For me, I found that I asked friends more often to help with errands, specific tasks around the house, etc.  However, when larger issues like seeing a new doctor, changing medication, or moving to a different care facility, I depended on my family’s opinions and input.

 Question:  The reasons listed in the survey gave me food for thought.  Reviewing what prevents me from asking for help and what encourages me to ask for help were useful.  How can I use these lists going forward?  Kathleen

 Caregiver Coach:  Post them somewhere (maybe the refrigerator) to remind you about asking for help.  Color code each list (red for what prevents you from asking for help and green for what encourages you to ask for help).  If you use a journal, make notes on how you feel what you ask for help and when you don’t.

Margery Pabst is a nationally acclaimed author, speaker, and facilitator.  Her fourth book, “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey”, explores how successful caregivers take care of themselves while caring for others.  EYCJ won the “2010 Caregiver Friendly Award” given by Today’s Caregiver Magazine.  Communicate with Margery via this feature or to learn more about her work, go to www.pivotalcrossings.com

Visual Affirmations

Try Using a Visual Set of Affirmations

At the recent Westberg Symposium Parish Nurse Convention in St. Charles, MO, I gave an interactive presentation on “Tools for Parish Nurses:  Visuals That Communicate”.  We explored the ways that pictures, graphs, charts, color, font, and body language communicate and identified first hand the impact that is created when visuals are used.

One of the key themes of the conference was taking care of self in the midst of a changing world.  It seems that a key challenge for parish nurses as well as for health care professionals generally is taking care of self, body, mind, and soul.  As a family caregiver, TAKING CARE OF SELF is critical.

Among the visuals we explored was a card with 5 Affirmations.  I use this card/visual to remind myself that I must find a quiet corner for meditation each day where I can say these affirmations aloud.  Also helpful is the repetition of these affirmations which can become a chant for the soul.

Here are my affirmations:

– I am important.

–  I am not alone.

–  I am appreciated.

–  I am in control.

–  I take care of myself.

The last affirmation on the list is in that position for a reason.  If we consistently do the other four, we will be taking care of ourselves.

I encourage you to create your own affirmations and tailor them to your needs.  My affirmations change with time, especially after a crisis or an important change or learning moment.  The MOST USEFUL part is to have the VISUAL CARD that I tuck in my wallet.  It’s always there to remind me and I believe carrying it with me provides solace and comfort.

I invite you to use mine to begin with if that works but to move toward your very OWN AFFIRMATIONS.  The process I use is:

–  Define the affirmations.  I like having five.

–  Put them on some type of visual.  My choice is a business size card.

–  Find a quiet spot at least once a day to review the affirmations.

–  Say them aloud slowly and breathe deeply after each one.

–  Repeat them to create a chanting effect.

–  Share your experience using affirmations with others.

–  Recreate your affirmations as needed.

The process is important as it gets you into the habit of creating, using, and sharing the tradition of affirmations.  For both the professional and the family caregiver, they are priceless as the advertisement says!

Margery Pabst is a nationally acclaimed author, speaker, and facilitator.  Her fourth book, “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey”, explores how successful caregivers take care of themselves while caring for others.  “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey” won the “2010 Caregiver Friendly Award” given by Today’s Caregiver Magazine.  Communicate with Margery at pivotalcrossings@aol.com or to find out more about her books, go to www.pivotalcrossings.com

September Ask the Caregiving Coach, “Asking for Help”

ASK THE CAREGIVING COACH

August 26, 2010

I’ve received several questions about the topic “Asking for Help”.  All of us know it is one of THE most difficult actions for a caregiver.  So this month, I’m sharing only two of the questions with all of you because I found the answers had to be longer.  I guess that confirms how difficult asking for help is!

The topic also prompted answer idea:  to end this month with a poll that will give us an even better idea about asking for help.

Question:  Last week, I asked my sister-in-law to keep my husband company for two hours while I went to a movie.  When I returned she had forgotten to give him his medications.  What should I do?  Lorna

Caregiver Coach:  Make a decision based on the following:  “Was it acceptable that your husband received his medications a little late or did this error impact his health?”  If it was acceptable, then identify if your sister-in-law learned from her mistake and will not make it again.  If you believe that she learned from this, then I would have no problem asking her to help you again.

Question:  I always feel so guilty when I leave my mother with another carer.  What can I do to alleviate my guilt and take time for myself? 

Caregiver Coach:  Who is making you feel guilty?  You or your mother?  Has your mother always laid a “guilt trip” on you at other times, or is she encouraging you to take time for yourself?  You need to FIRST IDENTIFY THE SOURCE OF YOUR GUILT. 

If the guilt is an ongoing family pattern, then you must respond to her with love but with firmness.  For example, “Mom, I am going to a movie with a friend and we’ll have dinner together later.”  If the guilt is coming from within you, then focus on what you are gaining from being away from the caregiver role, and identify a carer who will use the time with your Mom for creative and stimulating activity.

 The “Why is Asking Help So Difficult?” Poll

 -How often do you ask for help?  (Circle the answer)

Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Often, Always

-Are you more apt to ask a friend or a family member for help? (Circle the answer)

Friend  Family

 -What prevents you from asking for help?  (Choose your top two reasons by placing a check in the blank)

 ____Fear of being judged?

____Concern about quality of help?

____Guilt?

____Concern that you don’t have a lot of time remaining with this person?

____Concern you will let your loved one down emotionally?

 -What encourages you to ask for help?  (Choose your top two reasons by placing a check in the blank)

 ____A person offers to help?

____Overwhelmed by the work?

____Exhausted?

____Many potential carers among my family members and friends?

____Healthy for me to take time for myself?

 Thanks for your answers.  The results will be posted next month.

Margery Pabst is a nationally acclaimed author, speaker, and facilitator.  Her fourth book, “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey”, explores how successful caregivers take care of themselves while caring for others.  EYCJ just won the “2010 Caregiver Friendly Award” given by Today’s Caregiver Magazine.  Communicate with Margery via this feature or to learn more about her work, go to  http://www.pivotalcrossings.com