September Ask the Caregiving Coach, “Asking for Help”

ASK THE CAREGIVING COACH

August 26, 2010

I’ve received several questions about the topic “Asking for Help”.  All of us know it is one of THE most difficult actions for a caregiver.  So this month, I’m sharing only two of the questions with all of you because I found the answers had to be longer.  I guess that confirms how difficult asking for help is!

The topic also prompted answer idea:  to end this month with a poll that will give us an even better idea about asking for help.

Question:  Last week, I asked my sister-in-law to keep my husband company for two hours while I went to a movie.  When I returned she had forgotten to give him his medications.  What should I do?  Lorna

Caregiver Coach:  Make a decision based on the following:  “Was it acceptable that your husband received his medications a little late or did this error impact his health?”  If it was acceptable, then identify if your sister-in-law learned from her mistake and will not make it again.  If you believe that she learned from this, then I would have no problem asking her to help you again.

Question:  I always feel so guilty when I leave my mother with another carer.  What can I do to alleviate my guilt and take time for myself? 

Caregiver Coach:  Who is making you feel guilty?  You or your mother?  Has your mother always laid a “guilt trip” on you at other times, or is she encouraging you to take time for yourself?  You need to FIRST IDENTIFY THE SOURCE OF YOUR GUILT. 

If the guilt is an ongoing family pattern, then you must respond to her with love but with firmness.  For example, “Mom, I am going to a movie with a friend and we’ll have dinner together later.”  If the guilt is coming from within you, then focus on what you are gaining from being away from the caregiver role, and identify a carer who will use the time with your Mom for creative and stimulating activity.

 The “Why is Asking Help So Difficult?” Poll

 -How often do you ask for help?  (Circle the answer)

Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Often, Always

-Are you more apt to ask a friend or a family member for help? (Circle the answer)

Friend  Family

 -What prevents you from asking for help?  (Choose your top two reasons by placing a check in the blank)

 ____Fear of being judged?

____Concern about quality of help?

____Guilt?

____Concern that you don’t have a lot of time remaining with this person?

____Concern you will let your loved one down emotionally?

 -What encourages you to ask for help?  (Choose your top two reasons by placing a check in the blank)

 ____A person offers to help?

____Overwhelmed by the work?

____Exhausted?

____Many potential carers among my family members and friends?

____Healthy for me to take time for myself?

 Thanks for your answers.  The results will be posted next month.

Margery Pabst is a nationally acclaimed author, speaker, and facilitator.  Her fourth book, “Enrich Your Caregiving Journey”, explores how successful caregivers take care of themselves while caring for others.  EYCJ just won the “2010 Caregiver Friendly Award” given by Today’s Caregiver Magazine.  Communicate with Margery via this feature or to learn more about her work, go to  http://www.pivotalcrossings.com

Tags: Ask the Caregiving Coach, Caregiving Questions, Enrich Your Caregiving Journey, Margery Pabst, Pivotal Crossings